i love accidental penises.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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