the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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