Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
