Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize