Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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