so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
