She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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