haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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