I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
