My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Welp...herpes.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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