my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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