you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
