After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
