There was a lot of him and a little penis
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Oh god it's open bar.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
