I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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