I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
