I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
