on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
