i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
