I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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