Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
