a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
