You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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