and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
