His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
