So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
