I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
