First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
