Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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