You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
