WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You left your phone here
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