i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
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