plz talk dirty to me
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
