I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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