Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
