did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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