i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
