He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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