Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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