I faked an abortion last night.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
