nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
