I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
