Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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