I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
