Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
