I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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