I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
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I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
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My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
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