I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
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