I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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