Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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