I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
