I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
