I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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